In November of 2010 I left Church staff for the first time in over a decade. This move in my life was not one I wanted to take but one I thought was necessary due to differences of vision. I have much respect for the men who had differing vision and still call them friends today.

I spent the next year in a consulting position where most of my weaknesses were very vividly paraded in front of me and the people that surrounded me. My weaknesses overpowered my strengths for the first time since I was in my early 20’s. That role ended in November of 2011. I spent the next year doing freelance and consulting work.

In my early career I learned many lessons about leadership and vision and how important it is to have strong vision from the top of an organization. The last two years I learned, what felt like, harsh lessons about what makes me tick as an artist and person. At times, these were the darkest paths I have ever walked. Occasionally I would feel the warmth of light on my face from the end of a long dark place. I would have to guard myself every time from being too optimistic because I did not know if I could withstand the darkness if the light went out. There were several lights over the last year and when they were extinguished, it was hard to keep walking but my family deserved nothing less. Not to say I walked tall all the time. Sometimes it was a crawl and a couple times I got kicked while I was trying to pull myself up.

Recently I took a job, simply because it was a job. I met people there that I will call friends for the rest of my life. But the bulk of my coworkers were only out for personal gain, they had no concern for the people around them. It truly is a dog eat dog world they live in. My time there proved to me that at my core I am a good person and have a value system that loves to see people around me succeed. This made me feel grounded in a way I had not felt in a long time.

Over the last couple months a light started to get brighter and brighter. With guarded optimism I walked towards it. There were a couple of obstacles in the way but with the ever increasing light I could navigate around them.

I am very proud to say that this weekend I joined the team of Charles Jenkins and Fellowship Chicago. Charles has an ever-expanding vision that I am excited to be a part of. Looking forward to many awesome things coming in the near future.

This time of year always finds me in a sentimental state of mind. The struggles with infertility and the redemptive power of adoption all vividly rush through my mind as I prepare for the birthdays of my children. I still stand amazed when I look back at the process. We felt so lost. The path was not clear. We felt like every step was unstable. We questioned ourselves at every turn. We clung to our faith and at the same time felt like it had abandoned us. Eleven years later, we look back and see the perfectly orchestrated path of our journey. The path was always there. We had just been blinded by our fear and grief. I find myself in deep gratitude to our adoption agency director and all the friends we made along the way in the adoption world. I am beyond thankful to Jazz and Paris’ Birth Mothers, who entrusted us to parent these two amazing children. I am honored to have traveled this journey with an amazing woman. 
 
I am grateful.

One year ago today we laid my Grandmother to rest.

One year later…
In many ways it feels like the wound of loss is healed.
Yet it is just as fresh as it was one year ago.
Few moments pass that I am not reminded of her.

Her love for her family.
Her love for her friends.
Her love for flowers.
Her love for life.

A couple months ago I was on a train. A few seats ahead of me was a group of older women. They were a group of friends headed to a flower show. They so reminded me of her and her friends, and her love for flowers. I sat on the train with the strangers around me and was unable to hide my emotions. I wiped my eyes and looked out the window. I used all my will power to regain control, but my attempts were futile. I just hid my face the best I could. When I got off the train it only got worse. I was walking in the cold winter air sobbing uncontrollably. The tears felt like they were freezing as they slipped down my cheek. After several failed attempts of trying to reach my wife, I called my mother. After the soft tone of her hello I proceeded to tell her the story through the raw emotion of the moment. Barely able to speak, and with a tear streaked face, I told her the story. I had to tell someone; it seemed the only way to bring the unbridled emotion back into control. I pulled the phone away from my ear and pressed the tear soaked end button. And with that I was able to dry the freezing tears from my face and continue to my office.

There is something comforting knowing that the pain of loosing someone you loved is still so fresh. To me it means their memories are still part of your every day life. It also means that life is even more precious.

My thoughts on processing grief in the moment.

A couple months back we started redoing our loft. Our new furniture is eclectic but leans towards mid century design. Since starting the process I have literally coveted the Eames lounge chair and ottoman.
I found a couple of used ones – I had to go used due to the fact that a new one costs anywhere from $3,000 to $6,000. I had read everything about the design and history of the chair. Charles Eames said his goal for the chair was that it be “a special refuge from the strains of modern living.” I loved this.

I visited ‘Design Within Reach’ to sit in one. I had built this experience in my head. I walked in, found the chair on the showroom floor and proceeded to sit down. As I leaned back in the chair, I sat back much further than I had anticipated. I was shocked, this chair would not work – it would be awkward to watch TV from, and it sat back too far to be able to work on my laptop. It would not even be comfortable to read in.

As I walked out of the store and thought about my experience, the quote from Eames came to mind. The chair was to be “a special refuge from the strains of modern living.” It really made me think that often I think I am relaxing when I am trying to watch TV or work on my laptop or even read a book. I seldom just let myself relax.

I think we need to focus on just spending time relaxing; let everything fall away and just be.